4:13 a.m.

words fail me.
that's rare.
when usually
i have so much
to say, the
excessive thesaurus
and constant commentary
that are my mind
dry up.

a poem? a poem.
you make me feel
like i could write a novel.
you make me lose
my voice.

the words
the phrases, the lines,
turning so regular
in my head
simply cease.
the vast ocean of my
turgid thoughts,
worthless vocabulary,
swims, undulating,
to rivers, trickling down,
tributaries, drops,
dripping to one phrase.
one tiny line.
one you know.
one we all know.

but too soon.
so soon, it can't
be said yet, for
fear the tributaries
trickle back, the
rivers reverse, run
leaping to the vast
ocean of my
turgid thoughts.
worthless vocabulary.
for fear i should find
my voice. it isn't
important, keep it,
please.

because within all these
waterworks, never has honesty
been more apparent.
suddenly this multi-threaded
mind is woven, strung,
tied to one simple phrase.
that one we all know.

and yet, still i sit, unable,
no, unwilling, to say it.
not just yet. for fear the
drip never drop again.
for fear the trickle be lost
forever in the vast ocean of
my turgid thoughts.
worthless vocabulary.

don't melt, darling. don't
say to me, "you liquefy me."
what am i to do with you,
my lovable puddle?
watch as you run upstream,
quickly, carrying with you
a trickle,
a drip-drop,
until every delta and tributary
inverts, reverts, converges,
collides into the trickling,
dripping, dropping,
undulating ocean of my
turgid thoughts, still
worthless vocabulary, and
you are by my side.

on being annoyingly honest.

Ladies and Gents, please, if you read this interwebs trash rag at all, forget what you've ingested so far. In fact, for my sake, take it all, crush it up into a ball in your insides, and puke it up into your toilet. Flush that baby down. Because the summer described in my previous blogs is over in so many ways. Sans freedom. Sans boyfriend. But not sans hope. Surprisingly enough, I've managed to retain so shred of faith in some kind of higher... thing. Be it fate, God, whatever. I am currently working on a) Not being so emotionally invested in a person after so short a time, b) Becoming more comfortable being with myself, and c) Coming to terms with the possibility that I might sometimes have to be alone. I've learned a lot, a lot about myself that I didn't know, a lot about my ex that I didn't know, all of which has been incredibly painful and incredibly helpful with arriving here, wherever here is. So now I'm just working on getting back on my feet. Especially for this semester, having eighteen hours and a job. But really, if you're sad enough to still be reading this, just forget what you've read, and look forward to any new posts I may have. I'm working up, folks. Let's see how this goes.

it's been awhile.

Hello, all.  It's been quite a while since my last post, but I'm happy to say that, in spite of a lot of terribad things happening, I am, for the most part, in a mood very similar to that of my last post.  Also, if you've cared to notice, I now have ads on my blog page.  I'm (apparently) going to be getting paid to have them there, so I figure, I ought to at least post stuff so that the ads keep going as well.  Can't get money for nothing.  Unless you've got a really awesome great-grandma.  Which I do.

So life goes on for James Kane much as it has for the past seven months or so.  Some exciting things happening include:

• Regina Spektor's new album coming out in exactly one week (CAN'T WAIT!)
• Deciding to write a collection of short-ish stories compiled into a novel-esque manuscript.
• And a boyfriend.

You heard right, ladies and gentlemen.  James has a boyfriend.  Holy shit!  It's terribly exciting, I must say, but at the same time, I am TERRIFIED.  It's so intimidating, and so is he, despite his fun-sized packaging.  Not to mention the distance, which by August, hopefully, won't be a problem.  We've already had our issues, our rough patches, and our really great times.  I'm just looking for a chance to develop this into something real.  It's very uplifting, I must say, to have someone who you can be with and also talk to about anything.  It's fun to share!

So, as things progress, I will attempt to post more, and not ALWAYS about the boy (though he'll be in a lot of it, sorry).  Wish me luck, everyone.  Hopefully, I won't need it!

if i had known then that these things happen, would they have happened with you?

James Kane can't stop smiling.

James Kane is still taking it all in.  So much in so little time, and the best thing to happen in a while.

These, as well as the title of this blog, are examples of how my Facebook statuses have been since Friday.  The most insane, incredible, completely ridiculous thing happens to spin your life in the opposite direction, and the only thing you can do is let it, because it's what you've been hoping for for months.

On Friday, I met a boy.

I had known of this boy through another guy (the one I've been bitching about for the past probably five blogs), but I'd never met him, or really given him any sort of thought.  He was just kind of there.  Well, the events of the night that spurred my last blogging debacle possessed me to come to my senses and realized that it wasn't in the cards for this boy I had been liking, and as a gesture of friendliness, something possessed me to message this new boy, the ex of my crush.  Still with me?

Ok, fine, quick recap.  Since around Spring Break, I've been liking C.I.  He told me about his ex, C.M., and made him sound like kind of a bitch.  C.M. friends me on Facey the same day C.I. does, and I find that odd, plus, I didn't want to offend C.I.  So months of tortuous pining later, and I realize that C.I. is not, nor will ever be, interested in me.  So as a way to apologize, I contact C.M. the only way I know how:  Facebook.  I send him a message, he replies, back and forth, back and forth.  He tells me things about C.I. that make total sense, but that I was ignoring because I wanted to see the good in him.  C.M. and I decide to hang out, so I go over to his dorm to help him do laundry.  And we end up spending the next 21 hours together.  That has never happened to me before.  I don't really know what I was expecting when I went over there, maybe just some hanging out, possibly some hooking up.  What happened surpasses both of them and is still shocking me.

We connected.  I know, I know.  I sound like some New Age, hippie freak, but seriously.  As godawful cliche as it sounds, it happened.  On some strange, deep level, this boy and I connected.  Hours after meeting one another, it was like we'd known each other for years, and at the same time, we couldn't stop asking each other questions, dying to learn more about the other.  I can't fully describe it, and haven't been able to since it happened, even to people I'm talking to in person, but some words to point you in the right direction might be:  elation, surprise, joy, electricity, buzz, gut-wrenching, heart-pounding, and delight.

But of course, friends, there is a catch-22.  I assure you, it's nothing too terrible, but I can feel myself growing sadder and sadder about it each day.  This boy, C.M., was packing up his dorm room when I went to visit him.  He was packing up so that he could bring all his stuff home with him.  To Alabama.  That's right.  We met on the last possible day.  Such is my luck.  And even though we only knew each other for barely a day, we decided to stay in touch and make something actually happen when he comes back for school in the fall.  Still.  It's going to be a very, very long summer.  I have faith in the two of us.  I just hope that time doesn't take its toll.  But if you ask me, Fate brought us together on that specific day, and Fate doesn't just do that shit for fun.  At least, I hope she's not that fickle.  

Well, now that I've proved myself to be a totally foolish sap, all I have to say is that I hope you all believe me when I say that I believe in this.  Without a doubt.  I can't say it's not true anymore, not after having experienced what I have, and felt what I felt.  I know it can work, and I'm going to make it.

Absence makes the heart grow fonder, as they say.

oh what a tangled web we weave.

James Kane is a home-wrecking whore.

James Kane is a desperate child seeking any attention he can find.

James Kane is a "tragic", wannabe artist who hasn't done anything creative since the 6th grade.

James Kane should probably be a bottom/should probably just have been born with different parts altogether.

All of these would be appropriate Facebook statuses for me to have, were it not my primary form of communication with 500 or so of my "friends" (my apologies to those of you who are actually my friend).  The way I've been acting lately... Jesus, I don't even know what to do with/about myself anymore.  So I'm sitting here at 5:00 a.m., writing a blog, having just got back from one fuck buddy's apartment after fooling around with his temporary roommate in the other guy's absence.  And I think to myself, when the FUCK did I get like this?  What the FUCK am I doing??  Oh, did I mention the roomie's boyfriend.  Yeah.  The best part about it is that he didn't really initiate things, or, if he did, he did it very passive aggressively to where I had to do all the work involved with getting someone naked.  

Everyone, just do me a huge favor and STOP reading my blog.  I'm too god damn honest on here, but it's like having a good talk with someone.  Letting it out.  Jesus H. Christ, I need a shrink.  Any recommendations?

So instead of being honest with 500 of my closest friends (which I realize would be a stupid idea whether I was being ridiculously overdramatic or not), I'm blogging in an attempt to clear my consci--um... mind.  Clear my mind.  And instead of any of those lovely options listed above, my status simply says:

Oh what a tangled web we weave,

When first we practice to deceive!

i am giving up on making passes, and i am giving up on half empty glasses

Ladies and gentlemen, I've made a resolution.  Lo and behold, it has to do with boys.  Gasp, I know.  Let's hear it.

I will treat all gay men that I meet as people, acquaintances, even friends, not options.

I will not expect from any man anything that he should not expect from me.  He has no obligation to me, and until there is a reason, it shall remain so.

Basically, what I'm saying here, people, is that I am going to go about meeting people normally, through friends, and shall treat them as such unless they give me reason to treat them otherwise.  I will make acquaintances, make ties, and, eventually, I will meet someone who will like me as much as I like them.  But men are just men, not slabs of meat, not playthings.  I'm going to do my best to be a better person than I've been recently, and I feel that it will reflect on my life in the future.  I'm really trying not to sound like a self help book, but I just feel like I need a change.  I've already implemented a part of this plan.  The other day, I received an e-mail from a guy on some website asking if I'd be interested in hooking up.  I politely replied that two things would have to happen for me to hook up with someone:  one, I would most definitely need to see his face (come on, I still have standards), and two, I'd have to be at least in the foremost stages of a relationship.  So I told him that if he'd like to show me what he looked like, then maybe get some coffee or see a movie, by all means, he should e-mail me back.  He hasn't yet.

And there it is.  The whole of this God forsaken community is perpetually obsessed with sex.  Yeah, admittedly, about a week ago, I was too.  But for some time now, I've been needing so much more than sex.  And now, I think I'm finally ready to just wait for it.  Phew.

i beg your pardon, i'm not lookin' for a cure. i've seen enough of my friends and the depths of the godsick blues.

Hello, everyone.  My, what a week.  I wish there was more to tell you, or at least better news, but sadly, I tend to fall flat.  All the time.

Let's start with things I accomplished this week.  I read The Great Gatsby, by F. Scott Fitzgerald.  I did a Gatsby-themed painting.  I managed not to kill anyone at work or in New Orleans.  And I managed, once again, to fall in love with an unavailable boy.

I have a feeling that eventually, I'm going to bore someone with this consistency.  Unfortunately for me, I can't stop. 

The afore mentioned boy ("slow down, Speedy Gonzales") has definitively stated that, while I'm not "speeding anything" because "there's nothing really to speed", he is "not ready for there to be anything there, sorry."

Well, fuck.

Because that's what he means when he comes to see me at work, then sends me a text saying "I like your eyes.  :)", right?  Makes sense to me.  It's quite easy to determine whether potential exists betwixt two people after a ten minute conversation in a B&N Newsstand, is it not?  I mean, stop me when I say something wrong, please.

Is is so much to ask to just get coffee?  Come watch a movie?  Because the fact that I've slept with multiple people apparently means that if I'm talking to you, I want to sleep with you.  The honest to God fact that I actually kind of like this boy plays no part in whether I get to spend time with him.  

Ok, scratch that.  From what I can tell about this boy, I like him a lot more than "kind of".  And the fact that I'm hardly given the chance to get to know him is ridiculous.  

For once, I just really want to meet a boy who will like me as much as I like him.  It's happening around me, I'm seeing it, first hand.  

So why, in the name of everything Holy, can't it be me?