i am giving up on making passes, and i am giving up on half empty glasses

Ladies and gentlemen, I've made a resolution.  Lo and behold, it has to do with boys.  Gasp, I know.  Let's hear it.

I will treat all gay men that I meet as people, acquaintances, even friends, not options.

I will not expect from any man anything that he should not expect from me.  He has no obligation to me, and until there is a reason, it shall remain so.

Basically, what I'm saying here, people, is that I am going to go about meeting people normally, through friends, and shall treat them as such unless they give me reason to treat them otherwise.  I will make acquaintances, make ties, and, eventually, I will meet someone who will like me as much as I like them.  But men are just men, not slabs of meat, not playthings.  I'm going to do my best to be a better person than I've been recently, and I feel that it will reflect on my life in the future.  I'm really trying not to sound like a self help book, but I just feel like I need a change.  I've already implemented a part of this plan.  The other day, I received an e-mail from a guy on some website asking if I'd be interested in hooking up.  I politely replied that two things would have to happen for me to hook up with someone:  one, I would most definitely need to see his face (come on, I still have standards), and two, I'd have to be at least in the foremost stages of a relationship.  So I told him that if he'd like to show me what he looked like, then maybe get some coffee or see a movie, by all means, he should e-mail me back.  He hasn't yet.

And there it is.  The whole of this God forsaken community is perpetually obsessed with sex.  Yeah, admittedly, about a week ago, I was too.  But for some time now, I've been needing so much more than sex.  And now, I think I'm finally ready to just wait for it.  Phew.

i beg your pardon, i'm not lookin' for a cure. i've seen enough of my friends and the depths of the godsick blues.

Hello, everyone.  My, what a week.  I wish there was more to tell you, or at least better news, but sadly, I tend to fall flat.  All the time.

Let's start with things I accomplished this week.  I read The Great Gatsby, by F. Scott Fitzgerald.  I did a Gatsby-themed painting.  I managed not to kill anyone at work or in New Orleans.  And I managed, once again, to fall in love with an unavailable boy.

I have a feeling that eventually, I'm going to bore someone with this consistency.  Unfortunately for me, I can't stop. 

The afore mentioned boy ("slow down, Speedy Gonzales") has definitively stated that, while I'm not "speeding anything" because "there's nothing really to speed", he is "not ready for there to be anything there, sorry."

Well, fuck.

Because that's what he means when he comes to see me at work, then sends me a text saying "I like your eyes.  :)", right?  Makes sense to me.  It's quite easy to determine whether potential exists betwixt two people after a ten minute conversation in a B&N Newsstand, is it not?  I mean, stop me when I say something wrong, please.

Is is so much to ask to just get coffee?  Come watch a movie?  Because the fact that I've slept with multiple people apparently means that if I'm talking to you, I want to sleep with you.  The honest to God fact that I actually kind of like this boy plays no part in whether I get to spend time with him.  

Ok, scratch that.  From what I can tell about this boy, I like him a lot more than "kind of".  And the fact that I'm hardly given the chance to get to know him is ridiculous.  

For once, I just really want to meet a boy who will like me as much as I like him.  It's happening around me, I'm seeing it, first hand.  

So why, in the name of everything Holy, can't it be me?

thank god for this new laughter. thank god the joke's on me.

I don't know how I feel at all.  It's like the beating thing in my chest doesn't belong to me anymore.  Not because it "belongs to someone else", or any of that crap.  Because it makes decisions on its own.  "See that guy?  The beautiful, unattainable one, right there?  You're going to fall headlong for him.  And I'm not giving you any choice in the matter."  I can't help it anymore.  I literally fall in love with everyone I come in contact with for about a day or two, and I can't stop it anymore.  And I really want to know what the fuck is wrong with me.  It's hardly sexual, even.  That's, of course, a part, we are talking about me, here.  But it's just the way some of them talk.  The way others hold themselves.  The way they smile.  And I just go soft.  In the head, in the core of me, I don't know.  I'm disintegrated.  And I have no clue how to make it stop.  Nor have I decided if I want it to.  That's the worst part about it.  As much as I want something real, these one way fiascos are the closest things I have to feeling love.  And that just leaves me, alone on a Friday night, feeling pathetic.  I'd promised myself I wouldn't start feeling sorry for myself, but here I am getting dangerously close.  So I'll just stop here.  Happy Spring Break.

"You would kill for this, just a little bit.  Just a little bit, you would, you would."

what the hell do i do that for?

I've been talking to a boy today.  A boy apparently not interested in meaningless sex or random hook ups.  A rather attractive boy, here at LSU.  Very nice seeming.  It's too soon, of course, to make any real assessments, but tell me, is it wrong that when I looked at our "Friends In Common" on Facebook, and saw that half the list I've screwed around with, and the other half I've tried to screw around with, it made me a little uncomfortable?  And once again, we're back to gay men in BR.  And the impossibility of meeting a nice guy who hasn't already made it through the rounds.  I hate the fact that there are rounds, and that I've been 'round some of them, but does it make me a hypocrite to want someone who doesn't know some of the same people I've been with?  It's not even that I'm being greedy or selfish.  I just hate complications, and in this town, that's all gay guys are.  It's like a sport for them, fucking exes and new guys over.  And with the web that's woven here, there are a lot of scary strings that can be pulled.  I don't know how vindictive some of these guys can be, because, to be totally honest, I don't know many of these guys very well.  I don't know, I might just be too hard on the local gay community as a whole, but from what I've seen... I just feel like I should be cautious, and that doesn't leave a lot of room for falling recklessly in love.  Which is about what I need right now, I think.  But anyway.  Perhaps this will pan out, but there's also a chance it won't go anywhere, he'll end up not interested, or I'll do something to boink it (like I usually do).  Either way, I'll keep you posted, and I'll figure out what to call him in Blogworld whenever that becomes an issue, if it ever does.  For now, I'm going to go to bed, wake up early, and try to study for my Spanish reading quiz that I put off.  Work this weekend for the first time in a week, I'm sure I'll have something fun to say after that.  Until then, wish me luck, and I'll return the favor.  After all, why wouldn't I?  You are putting up with reading this.  Nighty night.  Je t'aime.

that didn't take long.

Ok, fine, let's get in it.

For all my bravado and experience, boys, men, guys, whatever, in normal situations terrify me.  Anyone who says there's a massive difference between straight men and gay, it's not as much as they think.  Any boy who's ever been afraid to ask out a girl, it's the same fucking thing.  Just like the other night, talking to this guy on Facey, I told him that gay men want the same thing as every man (generally), and he said, "I don't think so."  As if what a gay man wants is not companionship, someone to depend on, a best friend and a lover all in one.  Because that's not at all what "we" want.  For us, it's all just illicit sex with no strings attached.  Well fuck me, I want strings.  So I asked him what the difference was, and he told me that the difference was that straight guys want girls, and gay ones want other guys.  Yeah, no shit, anything else?  Because what really makes what straight men and gay men want besides the sex of their desirables?  Not much.  And it makes me sad that there's a stereotype that says that I'm just supposed to fuck non stop 'til I drop.  Or until I get AIDS and die.  Sure, at some points, I've indulged in this stereotype, but what straight man hasn't slept around, or at least tried?  What makes it different?  Granted, the gay community in Baton Rouge is limited, and by fucking one, you're fucking about three more, but just because our options are limited, doesn't mean that it's different.  Straight boys fuck around too, and eventually, everyone wants someone to be with, and that's universal.  It makes no difference who you're attracted to!

This brings me to some bitchings about the Baton Rouge gay community.  They all are either stuck in the closet (guilty at one point, but no more!), and the others seem to make it their goal to be as obnoxiously, flamboyantly gay as is humanly possible.  And in doing so, they fuck everything that moves, thereby feeding above mentioned stereotype.  Now, I'm no saint, and my friends have come to lovingly term me "The Whore/Slut/Whatever Sexy Friendsult Comes To Mind", but when it comes to some of these boys, I'm angelic.  It's so unfortunate, because finding someone as mellowed out as me is a difficult thing to do.  I hope I'm not sounding like a hypocrite, but, in short, living here, it's easy to get laid, but super difficult to find anything substantial, anything real at all.  And it's like no one else really cares.  Which is kind of an awful feeling.

Other than all of this, good day, good week, but still, hoping something more will happen, or that I'll find some courage to make it so.

put a prize on my soul.

Happy Hump Day, people!  And Happy April Fool's, as well.  

Halfway through this week, and it's been oddly calm.  Not to say that my life is intensely exciting, but lately, it's been hella busy, which is unfortunate, as it's left me feeling stunted and dull.  This week has been different.  Hopefully I'm not cursing myself by saying all this.  Basically, I'm just glad things seem to have calmed down somewhat.  I wasn't enjoying having several things, not all of them school, to worry about constantly.  Perhaps it's because I've been off of work all week.  It's nice, I'm getting things done with time to do other things I enjoy as well, like maintain this blog and watch movies.  I'm praying to someone that circumstances stay mellow like this.  Apart from Monday night's roommate upset and certain passive aggression, things have been quiet, and they need to stay as such.  And there need to be more repeats of last night.  

In other news, Thursday night is Elena's birthday shindig at The Spanish Moon, and as much as I want to go, I feel like I shouldn't, considering I have a Spanish reading quiz first thing the next morning, and, generally speaking, when I've gone out Thursdays in the past, I've missed classes on Friday due to sleeping in.  Chances are I'll at least show up.  It is usually fun, even more so when you're drunk.  Which I don't plan on being.  And now it's occurring to me that I'm talking of things which have absolutely no consequence.  So I think I'll blog back when I have something interesting to say.

card games and incriminating videos.

Hello, everyone.  I had a nice day today, Screenwriting class, great weather, Slumdog Millionaire on DVD, and Zooey Deschanel.  Lots of Zooey Deschanel.  I think if I were straight, I'd have a Hollywood crush on her.  I'll want her to be in one of my movies eventually...  Moving on, for a while after class, I sat around watching movies (Little Miss Sunshine, which I hadn't seen yet, and the first half of Tin Man, this odd little Sci-Fi mini-series starring, who else, Madam Deschanel).  Around 10:30, Hannah (bestie/roomie), Kelsi (other bestie), Aaron (IGNANT/roomie), and I went for a Taco Bell run, which was so fantastic.  The plan was to watch Slumdog, but after sitting and eating and just talking, we decided a hang out night was perfect.  So we proceeded to play Presidents & Assholes (best card game ever), delve deeper into our ghetto/foreign alter egos, and film Kelsi shouting friendsults at Aaron for kicking her ass at cards.  Another lovely topic of conversation was Kelsi's "y-chromosome", which is completely unrelated to her Saudi oil tanker penis that shoots lasers.  Mind you, we did this until 2a.m., about 35 minutes ago.  So after playing with the shotgun application on Aaron's iPhone and about twenty rounds of P&A, we called it quits, and we are all currently in bed (Kelsi with Hannah, ooh la).

When I mentioned in my first post that my friends are my life, this is why.  I can have a fantastic time doing anything with them.  Thank God for all of you, you're the reason I believe in God at all.  Ok, bedtime, class in t-minus 8 hours, and I'm getting up in 6!  G'night!

Oh, also, there was talk of Eiffel Towers, Houdini, and Bull Riding, but if you don't know, don't ask.