thank god for this new laughter. thank god the joke's on me.

I don't know how I feel at all.  It's like the beating thing in my chest doesn't belong to me anymore.  Not because it "belongs to someone else", or any of that crap.  Because it makes decisions on its own.  "See that guy?  The beautiful, unattainable one, right there?  You're going to fall headlong for him.  And I'm not giving you any choice in the matter."  I can't help it anymore.  I literally fall in love with everyone I come in contact with for about a day or two, and I can't stop it anymore.  And I really want to know what the fuck is wrong with me.  It's hardly sexual, even.  That's, of course, a part, we are talking about me, here.  But it's just the way some of them talk.  The way others hold themselves.  The way they smile.  And I just go soft.  In the head, in the core of me, I don't know.  I'm disintegrated.  And I have no clue how to make it stop.  Nor have I decided if I want it to.  That's the worst part about it.  As much as I want something real, these one way fiascos are the closest things I have to feeling love.  And that just leaves me, alone on a Friday night, feeling pathetic.  I'd promised myself I wouldn't start feeling sorry for myself, but here I am getting dangerously close.  So I'll just stop here.  Happy Spring Break.

"You would kill for this, just a little bit.  Just a little bit, you would, you would."